See The Real Me

Photo by Ninthgrid on Unsplash

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.” - Nina Simone

A few days ago, I tripped serendipitously across a Note on Substack that really hit home. It was from

Salwa 🇬🇧

who wrote the following:

Given what I’ve experienced over the last year, and where I find myself lately, this note hits home on many levels and for many different reasons.

I’ve mentioned before that I am one of a growing number of people on Substack who used to be part of an insular, nameless, fundamentalist, “christian-ish” cult, known by those that leave and others outside of it as “The Truth” or “2x2’s.”

None of us thought it was a cult when we were part of it, of course. Who in a cult ever does? “Yes, we know we’re in a cult that Jim here is running, but he says that we’ll always have the tastiest Kool-Aid and that’s worth it to me.” The answer, obviously, is no one. No one who’s part of a cult ever thinks they’re in one.

One reason is because no one believes they’ll ever be naive or stupid enough to be roped into being in one. If you see yourself as reasonably intelligent, and even the most ignorant and unread of us does, you don’t think you could ever fall for their tactics. Another reason is that these organizations go out of their way to justify the controlling behaviors and present a prepared defense as to why it isn’t a cult. Our preachers, known as “workers”, used to do that all the time. As a matter of fact, I remember many instances of them doing just that in their sermons. You’d listen along and at some point they would address the austere rules and draconian control by saying something like:

The world* likes to have its own way. The people of this world like their own way too and don’t want to submit to the Will of God.** But we know how important it is to submit to God. That is the difference between this world and God’s people.** Some say that This Way**, God’s Way**, has too many restrictions. They say it has too much control and is too limiting, but we know that Jesus said strait is the gate and narrow is the way to heaven. We know that these limits are from God because He loves us.

We’ve even heard some refer to God’s Way as a cult. Oh friends, nothing could be further from the truth. Cults don’t let you leave. Folks can leave The Way at any time, we don’t hold anyone prisoner. People join God’s Truth** of their own free will and some decided to leave that way too, although their ends have been sad; outside of the Will of God and gone on to a “lost eternity.”

On the face of it, this was true. No one compelled anyone at gun or knifepoint to become or stay a member. People did join, or “make a choice” as they called it, a type of altar call where a person stands during a sung hymn to declare they’ve joined.

The reality was that it was not easy to just up and leave. Those who left would be harangued or love bombed into coming back. The cult discouraged making friendships with those who weren’t members, so most people’s networks and acquaintances were in it. Sometimes, everyone they knew was in it, including their family. Many people’s family were in it for generations and everyone from grandparents on down to their own grandchildren was part of it. It taught active members to shun and limit contact with those that left. All were told it was to prevent the leavers from infecting them with their unwillingness and spreading a contagion costing them their salvation too.

That prospect of losing most or all of your connections keeps lots of people in. So does the idea that leaving would disappoint family members who were part of it, including those who had since died, when one knew that they would have wanted you to stay active members.

There was another consideration too: misunderstandings and assumptions about your motives and your ultimate destination.

As I mentioned earlier, preachers painted pictures to us of the people who left. They said such people were unwilling, they loved money, pleasure and the things of this world more than God. They lost their love of God or their spiritual vision. The other thing said was that once they left they lost their hold on God, and many who left didn’t believe in him at all.

This brings me to the crux of this piece. I have left that cult. I didn’t leave it initially for many of the reasons they would give, other than unwillingness; unwillingness to abide sex criminality being excused, condoned and hidden, that is. My departure opened up questions, not only about the cult’s teachings but about Christianity in general. I went from a stalwart practitioner of what I was raised in, to seeking “true Christianity” and biblical understanding, to eventually bailing on all of it.

I came to realize that I tried to believe and worked in hope for the connection I heard that others claimed to have with God, but I didn’t have or get it. I believed in being a generally moral and honest person who didn’t abuse or disadvantage others, but I never heard the “voice of God” that others claimed to hear so clearly telling them what to do. The most I can say I’ve ever experienced were little gut twinges; spurs of internal conviction to go this way or that. Never did I hear anyone speak to me, nor did I ever feel anyone heard me when I prayed. I hoped they did, and I prayed with that intention, trying in spite of doubt, but that confirmation of being heard never came.

Once the prison walls holding me in that group fell, after realizing that it wasn’t what it purported to be, I went on to look for a room with walls spaced farther out. I finally landed on not wanting walls at all. Do I mean that I’m now a neo-Viking committed to raping and pillaging small towns and villages? No. I do mean that the more I thought about things, I wondered how much help the Bible and trying to follow Jesus was to me, if at all.

In addition to not ever having an experience of connecting to a distinctly divine presence, I learned a lot of things of dubious to no value at all. I’ve found that I have had to discount or disregard many of the things I was taught from the Bible to be the person I now want to be.

For example, I was taught to see homosexuality and any gender expression that wasn’t binarily male or female as a sin and affront to God based on a verse or three in Leviticus. Now? If satisfying your sexual preference or living out your gender expression isn’t physically hurting someone, you’re merely another human being living differently than I was raised to live or accept. That doesn’t mean I have to hold on to those lessons to judge you, distance myself from you or shape the nation we live in not to accept you, supposedly to please the God that made all of us. Let’s talk, understand each other better and just be human beings.

The cult we were in stressed different verses where God told the Israelites to come out and separate themselves from the other kingdoms around them. The demand that we dissociate from “worldly” people, which oddly enough included other Christians who were not part of our thing, came from those verses.

I’m a member of an online group of past and former attendees reckoning with the fallout of discovering widespread sexual abuse in what we were in. Many have moved on and out of that cult to mainstream churches with great satisfaction. Yet, when I read their discussions on that web board, it seems like many went from avoiding everyone but their fellow members in what we left, to embracing new relationships with other Christians, and only other Christians. Some point to verses about brethren joining together and what have you as justification, but I don’t need a verse, or verses, to tell me who to make friends with. If you’re honest, respectful, respect my humanity and treat me with dignity, you’re in. Everyone else? There’s the door.

Those I used to meet with in the group we left would look at my current belief, or lack thereof, as proof positive that leaving their cult was the beginning of the end for my connection to God. My life trajectory currently fits the narrative of the “lost out” horror stories of people who stopped attending their meetings and lost hold of God altogether.

However, when in it I never expressed my doubts or frustrations at the connection I wasn’t finding. Why would I? The response would have been to just read and pray more and it would come. Or they’d say that it was just a time of testing and riding it out would be rewarded with hearing God’s voice. Wrong and wrong again. Since all of the contemplation I’ve had up until very recently was internal, it would seem I’ve had a sudden freefall from God to the miry depths of rock and roll, sex and drugs in a van by the river. Any protests to the contrary would be met with doubts and claims that I was being disingenuous, because my testimonies were so encouraging and seemed filled with belief. They don’t know that while I shared those thoughts I was often weighed down by severe doubts, and I thought focusing on thoughts of encouragement would eventually work like a mantra to cure the spiritual malaise.

There are those on the online group I mentioned that wouldn’t understand where I am now either. It’s especially true now that many are seeing their Bibles and relationship to God in what is a new and freeing light for them. I also joined as a believer and someone who wanted to bolster my faith and understanding of God. As time went on, that changed. I went from taking the Bible very literally, to trying to see an overall picture of God that it was framing, rather than a set of rules. Now, I’m not even sure that a god exists, or if they do that they are as invested and concerned about humanity as the God drawn for Christians is. Maybe some day I’ll expound on the final straw but that isn’t today.

As the quote that began this piece says, I’m just a soul with good intentions who doesn’t want to be misunderstood. Those in the cult don’t really keep in touch, shunning being fashionable and all, so I haven’t had to present my new stance to them. They wouldn’t accept it as reasonable and would react with wagging heads, pouts and stern warnings about coming back to their meetings to get right with God. They’d also be sure to let me know they were praying for me as we parted.

Those I’ve come to know after learning about the sex abuse crisis probably won’t understand either. They’re, for the most part, reveling in a new love affair with their Bibles, grace and God. Many of the people are joyously discussing this verse or that, what it means, what some pastor or another they read or watched had to say about it and the like. I see their discussions, and as soon as I see a religious or verse mention, I just scroll on by. I have no interest at all. I went from being an active contributor to discussions about Christian tenets, to avoiding them like the plague. The topics I used to find interesting and worthy of follow up to derive further insight, make we want to grab for a fifth instead.

Given that so many came to know me on that platform over thoughtful discussions of Christianity, learning that I don’t believe in anything will come as a shock, possibly hitting like a gut punch. They’ll be saddened and dismayed that I’m not finding the same freedom in Christ that they are.

They will be disappointed that the Bible doesn’t really do much for me, nor do I care about what it says or doesn’t about what I choose. Most will be mortified to learn that I’ve tried to unlearn and forget more of what I read in the Bible, than retain anything from it to be a decent, loving and supportive human being. They would be aghast that I don’t know for sure that there is an eternal reward or an interested Father, Son and Holy Spirit looking to dole one out after a faithful life. Many of them will also let me know they’re praying for me as we part.

In light of my current state, I make my choices based on striving for honesty, not hurting others, being protective of those who need it and not being a dick. That’s it. For those used to consulting a book to find verses that defend or condemn actions to know what to do, my approach will seem careless and risky. Maybe they’re right.

I’m currently watching my nation fall into lawlessness, corruption, violence, dictatorial and presidential worship, all topped with a heavy frosting of White supremacy. Most, if not all of the people supporting this race to oblivion, claim to follow Jesus and the Bible. If that is the effect of fasting, reading and prayer, they can have it. I’ll be out in the alleys, highways, byways and parks. I’ll discuss and trade kindness and care for mankind with prostitutes, drunks, boisterous partiers, bookworms, joyous LGBTQ, atheists, agnostics, and any Christians willing to do the same without limits based on Bible verses. That is a reward and freedom I will be satisfied with right now.

*The world is essentially anyone that wasn’t a member of the cult.

**This Way, God’s Way, Will of God, The Truth and God’s Truth were all used synonymously to refer to the cult. The cult saw only its members as God’s people, and all others claiming to follow Jesus in other churches as not following God.